During the season premiere of The Kardashians, Khloe Kardashian sheepishly admitted that she initially didn’t feel as connected to her son when he was born. Khloe and father Tristan Thompson had a surrogate mother during her pregnancy and called the exchange “transactional.” She loves her son, but the birth was very different.

Khloe Kardashian introduced the idea of surrogacy last summer after having some trouble. According to a People source, Kim Kardashian encouraged her sister to consider the process of surrogacy after having done it with her last two children. When Khloe found out her surrogate was pregnant, she was elated. But it didn’t last long.

Her on again, off again ex and father of the child, Tristan Thompson, wasn’t faithful when they were together. He fathered a child with Maralee Nichols, which he denied at first. Although he eventually caved when the DNA tests showed the truth. The surrogate pregnancy became bittersweet.

On the topic, Kim said that Khloe “had a really hard time accepting the whole process.” Khloe agreed, noting that “Kim said hers was easy, and this is not easy.

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Once Tatum was born, she recognized she had a different experience than with her first child True. “I felt really guilty that this woman just had my baby and then I take the baby and I go to another room and you’re just sort of separated,” she said. “I felt it’s such a transactional experience because it’s not about him.”

“I do think there is a difference when your baby is in your belly, the baby actually feels your real heart,” Kim said. “Think about it. There’s no one else on this planet that will feel you from the inside like that, your heart.”

That experience was hard but has since changed her.