Stop me if you've heard this before: The Golden State Warriors will be taking on the Cleveland Cavaliers in the NBA Finals. Oh, you have? Four years in a row? You're kidding! Most pundits, bloggers, tweeters (and their burner accounts) and fans pegged a Warriors-Cavaliers Finals before the season. That ended up coming true, but not before things got testy in the Conference Finals.
The Houston Rockets nearly threw a wrench into the West equation, but a barrage of Warrior threes, a Chris Paul injury, and some, um, uneven officiating in Game 7 finally upended them.
The good-but-not-great-though-underrated-and-overrated-at-the-same-time Boston Celtics nearly Stevensed their way into the Finals until LeBron James happened.
Now we're here. Again.
The re-re-rematch doubles as predictable and frustrating for some. There has been a bit of an outcry on the interwebs about the matchup. Not only is it a rerun, this series isn't expected to be particularly close. The Warriors have four of the top five players in the series, the better coach, and homecourt advantage. LeBron has pulled off miracles before, but this seems to be a bit much, even for him.
If you're one of those people that loathe this year's matchup, don't fret. All isn't lost. There are enough fun storylines and games-within-the-game to keep you satisfied. You just have to get a little creative. Or nerdy. Or both.
Probably both.
I've created a quick guide to help.
4. Play a drinking game involving the broadcast
The three-man trio of Jeff Van Gundy, Mike Breen, and Mark Jackson will be calling the action. If you're at all like me, you've grown tired of them over the last couple of years — or earlier.
Jackson's catchphrases are more cringeworthy than catchy. Van Gundy somehow rants more than the President, and that schtick goes into overdrive during a blowout. Breen is great, and his “BAAAAAAAAANG” call after a three can still lift your basketball spirit, but it just isn't enough to carry a team.
I wouldn't blame anyone for flat-out muting them during this year's Finals. If you don't want to go that far, flip the script by making a game of it. Take a chug of a beverage of your choosing when:
- Jackson starts a sentence with “Give him credit”
- Van Gundy starts a rant with “Why do they…”
- Breen yells any variation of “BANG” after a Klay Thompson three
- Jackson says “May I have this dance” after a Kevin Durant iso
- Anyone makes a reference to the Jordan-LeBron debate
- Van Gundy tries to defend Tyronn Lue as a coach
- Jackson says “Mama, there goes that man” in reference to Stephen Curry
That's just the starter pack, if you will. There are plenty of phrases you can add to that list. If you plan to go with alcohol, please make sure you have water nearby. Be prepared to call out of work on Friday. “Give him credit” might be enough to put you under a table by halftime.
As a bonus, make a friendly wager with a friend of yours that Van Gundy will be the one to bring up the Drake-Pusha T beef during Game 1. You just know it's going to be him. And it will be hilarious.
3. Enjoy the J.R Smith-Nick Young minutes
In a series featuring at least seven very talented, high-IQ players, how can you not get excited for a Smith-Young matchup?
Both are unabashed chuckers that play with the confidence of '92 Jordan. They will take heat checks, even with better options around them. They'll end up becoming unplayable because of their off-ball defense, though they'll probably sprinkle in enough one-on-one stops to make their coaches hesitate in pulling them.
Young has a much shorter leash than Smith does. With Iguodala returning at some point, Young's days in the rotation could be numbered. That might just lead to more chuckery on his part.
Smith will probably start, but I'm not sure how worried he should be about his playing time. Kyle Korver has thoroughly outplayed him this postseason, but the Warriors will absolutely hunt him down on defense when he's on the floor. To be fair, they'll try to confuse Young off-the-ball with their maze of off-ball screening, but at least Smith moves well enough laterally to have a chance.
This could get ugly for basketball purists. I, for one, am here for a battle right-to-left crossovers into 27-footers. We need some variety.
2. LeBron James vs. Draymond Green
LeBron is one of the most versatile players in NBA history. He's added to his toolkit, and is somehow more unstoppable than he's ever been in his 15th season. Green is one of the most versatile defenders in NBA history. He's strong enough to handle 5s, quick enough to switch onto the perimeter, and smart enough to call out your attack. Just off the strength of that, you should be amped to watch the two face off.
Add in the fact that they don't really like each other? Oooh buddy.
Things came to a head during the 2016 Finals. There was plenty of trash talk and physical play between the two. Everyone remembers the Salami Slap that ultimately led to Green being suspended for a game. What has become a little lost was the pure absurdity of this dunk attempt in the nail-biting Game 7:
Green almost had his basketball life ended. LeBron acted like he got shot once he landed. It was great, and you can't tell me there wasn't any maliciousness from both parties on that play.
These two are going to duke it out, and I won't be surprised if we see a double technical in Game 1.
1. Follow fight for Finals MVP
Durant's controversial decision to join the Warriors was vindicated last year. He torched the Cavs in last year's Finals, slapping up a 35-8-5 with a 56/47/93 shooting split en route to his first Finals MVP. Not a soul could guard him, including the King himself.
Very quietly, Curry was pretty darn good in his own right. He averaged 27-8-9-2, and shot a shade under 39 percent from three on nearly 10 attempts per game. Durant deserved the award, but Curry's numbers were up there, and the way he bent defenses with his spacing can't be overstated.
Durant will be primarily defended by (engaged) LeBron and a suddenly-competent Jeff Green. Curry will see a lot of George Hill and … uh, Jordan Clarkson? J.R Smith? This might get ugly.
If Curry can stay healthy, he should burn the Cavs to a crisp from all over the floor. Durant can get his, of course. There just isn't much you can do with a seven-footer with in-the-gym range, a crafty handle, and an arsenal of “eff you” shots. Still, Curry has a path to snag his first Finals MVP and (further) solidify his case as one of the five best point guards ever.
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