King of Conspiracy Theories, Kyrie Irving, was elected as a vice president of the National Basketball Players Association over All-Star Weekend.

That's right. The dude who claimed the Earth to be flat, is a pseudointellectual and was even crazy enough to play for a vampire at Duke, is now one of the main men tasked with overseeing all things related to NBA players and their relation to CBAs and whatnot.

It would be like putting a reality television show guy in the Oval Office.

For what it's worth, which is something, Irving had to run for the position. Meaning… someone ran against third-eye Kyrie Irving and lost! One can only assume it was Aaron Gordon, as everyone is clearly out to get the man. 

“This was the right time for me to run for a leadership position in the NBPA,” Irving said. “I have been an observer and a participant in union affairs for a while, but for the most part, I was off on the sidelines, supporting our Executive Committee as they made important decisions. At this point in my career, I wanted to join forces with those guys and take a bigger role outside of the basketball court and within our union.”

Details are sparse, but it's safe to assume this vote happened in the middle of the night during the third lunar eclipse of the moon when a single dog in Scranton, Pennsylvania was barking at a child who was drinking a lukewarm glass of milk.

After all, what other explanation can there be?

To be fair to those who voted, the union has about eleventy-billion vice presidents. Being named a VP in that group is pretty close to being designated as a “DC” in wiffle ball as a child. That said, unlike our “doesn't count” friend from our youth — looking at you, Nish Patel — Kyrie Irving will have some power in what happens next in the world of actual business folk who are sane and do not believe a tiger can fly.

You can't tell if I made up that last part… because that's how much of a lunatic Kyrie Irving is!

“Can you openly admit that you know the Earth is constitutionally round?” he said to a New York Times writer back in the day. “Like, you know that for sure? Like, I don’t know.”

That's the dude! That's the member of the human species in a position of authority. I mean, at least he's not Marky Mark Emmert, overseer of the NCAA Funkybunch, but good lord and heavens to Betsy.

Also, he's mother bleeping social experiment guy:

We all know this dude. You're minding your own business on the mean streets of Twitter, then out of nowhere some guy puts out a poll “just trying to see something” and/or conducting a “scientific experiment” or whatever. He asks which two players are better, specifically when one dude is known to be better but the other dude is coming off a 40-13-7 game, just to see the world burn.

Kyrie Irving is the walking embodiment of that. He's here to see the world burn though his pretend brilliance and 4Chan inner workings.

RECOMMENDED (Article Continues Below)
Atlanta Hawks guard Dejounte Murray appearing at an airport with bags packed and a plane ticket in hand

Fabian Diego Miguel de la Paz ·

Nets head coach Jordi Fernandez

Erik Slater ·

Mikal Bridges in a Pistons jersey with Cade Cunningham

Eric Vincent ·

You think I'm being too harsh? Hell, the man compared himself to Martin Luther King Jr.

“When I was out for those seven weeks and not saying anything and still people are still saying things about me. It’s inevitable. They crucified Martin Luther King for speaking about peace and social integration. You can go back to historical leaders and great people in society that do great things, and they’re still going to talk s—about them. It is what it is.”

What in the Sam Cassell is this man even capable of? If he's willing to claim the Earth is flat, then backtrack by pretending it was a social experiment, but eventually whispering his name alongside an all-time important person, who knows what he's going to do when sitting in a room across from NBA executives who are there to get the upper hand on players?

I do not know much. I do know, however, the Earth isn't flat. I also know social experiments and scientific studies should be reserved for those who have backgrounds in those specific areas and subject matters. Finally, I sure as sugar believe that Kyrie Irving is about nine billion degrees of separation away from MLK.

Anyway, here's to hoping Kyrie attempts to join all important meetings via osmosis or telepathy. Otherwise, the younger generation of NBA players might end up playing for bitcoin tokens and rides at Hershey Park.