In Week 13 of some National Football League action, the Minnesota Vikings will face the Seattle Seahawks on Monday Night.
Yay!
Here are three bold (AF!) predictions for Minnesota's offense heading into some Monday Night Football.
Kirk Cousins Will Do Some Stuff
At his peak, Kirk Cousins is good. When not doing that, he's actually pretty average to below competent. That's kind of his deal — sometimes playing like one of the very best gunslingers in the entire NFL, then vomiting all over the field as if he were asked to perform a 13-minute Saturday Night Live skit.
I mean, SNL, get your stuff together. Tighten up the sketches, more original characters, and please stop with the alien sketch thing.
Am I right?
On Monday night, against a talented Seattle defense, Cousins will do some things. Some good. Others bad. But yet, all things.
Kirk “The Creator Of Things” Cousins, is what I like to call him.
On the season, Cousins does have 21 touchdowns to just three interceptions. By rule, The Creator of Things should hurl an interception (at least one) to correct the far too positive ratio.
Jokes side, Cousins has been good. Expect that to continue. Nevertheless, SNL will remain a dumpster fire.
Dalvin Cook Should Do Some Other Stuff
On only 214 attempts, Dalvin “The Baker” Cook (get it?!) already has over 1,000 rushing yards on the season. In fact, he's averaging 4.8 yards per carry.
I am not a mathematician or wizardly with the fancy-math, but hear me out here: In the game of (American) football, offenses are given four chances to get a first down (or better). Most teams opt to use their fourth attempt to punt or kick a field goal. That said, with Cook averaging 4.8 yards per attempt, three attempts on the ground while using him garners the Vikings — on average — over 13 yards.
Maybe over 14… but, again, I'm bad at math.
That is, duh, more than a first down every three plays. Why the Vikings ever bother to do anything other than run Cook three times, then three more times, and a bunch of other times-times-three until a touchdown is scored is beyond me.
This is what happens when coaches fail to embrace analytics, in my opinion.
Same goes for you, Lorne Michaels.
Touchdowns!
There will be touchdowns. A few of them from Minnesota's offense.
If the Vikings follow my brilliant plan of only using Cook to do things — fine, I guess they can sprinkle in some Cousins here and there — Minnesota should score at least 2.65 touchdowns while the sun has not yet been pulled below the surface of the Earth, allowing for the Moon to run roughshod over the night sky.
In turn, allowing for awful Saturday Night Live episodes to run late on Saturday evenings. Boo!
Prediction: Violence will happen on blades of grass. People will get hurt, maybe even for the rest of their lives, while providing entertainment for an entire country more concerned with their fantasy football team(s) than they are about the people risking life and limb.
Vikings lose by three.
My fantasy football team name is The Strawberry Seahorses Of Death Multiplied By Charlie Brown.
SNL stinks.
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