Shoot a three, you coward! Yeah, that's right, we're about to talk about Philadelphia 76ers superstar Ben Simmons. The man, myth and legend.

Ben Simmons is an excellent basketball player. He is athletic, defends, can pass, is a large human playing point guard and just about everything else… except for shooting.

Ben Simmons can't shoot threes. In fact, he refuses to even attempt them. Over the course of his young career, Simmons has managed to take a total of four shots from beyond the arc.

Let that wash over your body like a cold shower a night after drinking too much Jack Daniels. Ben Simmons, a point guard in the National Basketball Association, has only attempted four more three pointers than your grandmother… and Grandma never even played in the NBA!

What's funny, and very sad, about this story is that Simmons wasn't always so inept at shooting. As a senior in high school, while playing at the prestigious Montverde Academy, Simmons appeared in 28 games and attempted 51 three-pointers.

That's almost 2 per game. He made only 15 of these attempts, clocking in at an awful 28 percent rate, but guess what? 28 percent is a lot higher than zero percent… and zero percent is his current career shooting percentage from deep in the NBA.

But wait.. there's more! Just like the bottom of a Burger King bag, where glorious fries rest, there's always more.

While playing for the LSU Tigers, during a season in which a talented team failed to make the NCAA Tournament, Ben Simmons attempted a grand total of three 3s on the season.

To put that in some perspective: Simmons played 35 minutes per game for the Tigers in his lone season for LSU. Darcy Malone, a random and not very good player at LSU, who only played a TOTAL OF 138 MINUTES DURING THE ENTIRE SEASON… attempted 6.


To summarize where we're at right this second: Our Grandma, as well as some dude named Darcy Malone, is braver than Ben Simmons when it comes to shooting from beyond the arc. It just so happens Grandma has yet to be given a legit shot playing for the Sixers.

Live and breathe the NBA?

🚨 Get viral NBA graphics, memes, rumors and trending news delivered right to your inbox with the Clutch Newsletter.

For real. Grandma is legit. Without grandma, there's no your-mom. Without your mom, there's no you. And without you, I wouldn't have you reading this, which results in this fine website garnering ad-revenue via your clicks — repeating a never ending cycle of an outlet attempting to stay afloat during these tough times by the curiosity of your eyeballs. We appreciate you, and your eyeballs, and your mom, and especially your grandma, pal. We're in this slog of life together.

Everyone take a minute to chill for a second, though. All hope is not lost. Not on you or your grandma or your mom or your eyeballs. Wait… what is this on again? Let's digress…

Ben Simmons, Sixers

This can simply be a guy who excels in so many areas he's not yet feeling as though he needs to be a competent shooter. Maybe, and it's honestly a huge MAYYYYBE, Ben Simmons is quietly working on his shooting skills for down the road a bit more.

Michael Jordan. Kobe Bryant. So on and so forth, were all rim attacking players early in their careers. Of course, they were at least willing to try to shoot threes, but much like wine, their games from distance didn't improve until they began to age.

Nevertheless, it remains an issue for both the Simmons and the Sixers. While Philly can get away with a cowardice Simmons during the regular season, when opposing coaches face him in a series in the playoffs, this issue of non-shooting Ben is amplified.

Coaches will — and have already — tweak their plans to eliminate any and all floor spacing because they know, as does anyone who has ever watched him play, Ben Simmons fears the 3-point line like a glacier that — for some reason — believes Global Warming is fictional.

Hopefully for our large, 6-foot-9 child, his fear of shooting goes away much like it does for children when it comes to clowns. If it doesn't, the value in Ben Simmons, the previously expected hilariously high ceiling, lowers dramatically.

To what? Well, I'm glad you asked, astute viewer.

A large, stunningly athletic point guard who defends, rebounds and passes well, but can't shoot? … Sounds a lot like Rajon Rondo to me.

Rajon Simmons or Ben Rondo… what nickname we want to give him, America?