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How ironic is it that Guy Ritchie's Fountain of Youth movie — starring Natalie Portman and John Krasinski — uses U2's “I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For” in its marketing? Richie's new Apple TV+ project tries but ultimately fails in its quest to find the magic of the Indiana Jones series or solve the director's identity crisis.
Which is a shame. At this point in his career, Ritchie is hit-or-miss. He is making more movies than ever, but there's an Operation Fortune for every Covenant. Fountain of Youth has some of the globe-trotting scope of The Man from U.N.C.L.E., but it's bogged down by trying too hard to be Indiana Jones. Unfortunately, it falls closer to Uncharted than Harrison Ford's iconic movie series.
Some of the blame goes to screenwriter James Vanderbilt, who previously wrote clever films like Zodiac and Ready or Not. However, Ritchie is at his best when in the driver's seat and writing his own scripts.
Not every one of the films he has written is a hit, but Fountain of Youth lacks the authentic Ritchie touch. It's telling that Fountain of Youth was originally meant to be helmed by Dexter Fletcher (Ghosted, Rocketman) and not Ritchie.
As a result, it feels like Vanderbilt did his best to adjust the script accordingly to Ritchie's sensitivities. Ritchie's movies are known for their quick-witted dialogue and twists and turns. Fountain of Youth feels like a generic blockbuster with story beats you've seen before.
That is even before touching on Krasinski and Portman, who play estranged siblings. Both may be capable actors, but their chemistry never gets off the ground.
There are fundamental problems with Vanderbilt's script — none more glaring than his insistence on forcing characters to recall the siblings' memories to fill in the blanks Fountain of Youth leaves — resulting in the characters feeling like caricatures.
I've certainly seen worse, but Fountain of Youth displays the worst of Ritchie's habits. Its stylistic camera movements cannot mask a lifeless script and phoned-in performances.
Fountain of Youth review: What's it about?
Luke Purdue (John Krasinski) is on the run when Fountain of Youth begins. He has stolen a painting that has a lot of dangerous people after him, including Esme (Eiza González).
He is retrieving six paintings to solve the mystery of the Fountain of Youth, which leads him to steal a painting from a museum where his sister, Charlotte (Natalie Portman), is a curator.
You quickly get the sense through exposition — not flashbacks — that they used to go on adventures with their father, a renowned archaeologist. However, since his death, the two have gone their separate ways.
Luke appears to be addicted to the adrenaline rush of their adventures. Meanwhile, Charlotte has settled down, and she is in the midst of an ugly divorce.
So, he recruits his little sister on his adventure, which is being funded by the affluent Owen Carver (Domhnall Gleeson), a man with a fatal disease who is hoping to be healed by the Fountain of Youth.
Natalie Portman and John Krasinski's underbaked relationship
Portman, a former Oscar winner, is one of the best actresses on the planet. Krasinski, known for his role in The Office, is generally capable of turning in a good performance.
Somehow, their chemistry never gets off the ground. Again, the problems stem from Vanderbilt's script, which relies on sentences that begin with “Remember when.”
It would be too much to ask for a prequel movie with younger versions of the characters. Still, I think there were ways of making their sibling relationship believable without relying on clunky exposition.
Charlotte is the straight arrow of the two. She is a good-doer who wants no part of this crusade. Vanderbilt still writes her like she's in a Marvel movie, making Portman deliver one-liner zingers that look as uncomfortable for her to say as they are to hear.
There's a reason the Oscar-winner's Marvel career was largely a bust. Portman can be funny, but that's not her strength. Making her deliver PG-13 Marvel-like lines was not the move.
Not to mention, Portman never seems invested in the role. For one reason or another, she never seems bought in, much like her performance in Thor: The Dark World.
Krasinski's annoying performance
Krasinski, on the other hand, is like an amalgamation of Indiana Jones and Alfred Molina's character from Raiders of the Lost Ark. He is explicitly greedy, complicating his motives. Unlike Indiana, Luke is a snide asshole, not someone you root for.
It is like he went to the Ryan Reynolds school of acting when preparing for this role. Unfortunately, that is not meant as a compliment. The relentless barrage of one-liners is annoying, a sentiment shared with most of his characters.
He is fine at delivering action sequences, but his hopeless flirting with González's character reeks of desperate attempts at cheap laughs. Jim Halpert was similarly persistent while pursuing Pam, but the endless flirting grows tired after the first two instances.
Above all else, Fountain of Youth fails to give viewers a reason to care about the characters. Their nonexistent chemistry can be forgiven, but complete ambivalence for the fate of the characters cannot.
Guy Ritchie needs a change of scenery
It has been several years since Ritchie delivered his last great crime thriller. Sure, The Gentlemen TV series was good, but his last great film was The Gentlemen movie from 2019.
The problem is that Fountain of Youth cannot fake it until it makes it. There is a clear distinction between it and Ritchie's usual movies and his lack of involvement with the script shows.
Too much of the same isn't good, but Ritchie's diversion from the genre that made him a household name has gone too far. He needs another gritty, fast-paced crime thriller pronto.
He still has a steady hand behind the camera. You can tell that he's trying to infuse his style into a lifeless script like Fountain of Youth during the action scenes. The swooping camerawork has his name written all over it. It stinks that the same cannot be said of the rest of it.
Should you stream Fountain of Youth on Apple TV+?
Ritchie needs a hit after a string of box office failures. Fountain of Youth, a streaming release, is not that. It is a boring film that never gets off the ground.
Vanderbilt's script bogs down an already uninterested pair of Portman and Krasinski. Watching Fountain of Youth, it certainly felt like a streaming project where two A-listers fail to have any spark.
At this point, it appears Ritchie is at a crossroads in his career. He has tried to expand his portfolio, taking on everything from an Aladdin remake to The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare, but he seems to have lost touch with what made him great.
To that end, Fountain of Youth isn't just bad; it's disappointing. If not for his camerawork, I don't think you'd be able to tell the director of Snatch made this.
Indiana Jones remains the gold standard of the adventure genre. No number of homages to the fedora-wearing archaeologist is going to be able to top it, as Richie learned.
Grade: D+
Fountain of Youth will be streaming on Apple TV+ on May 23.
