In a feel-good story across the metaverse for everyone other than Mark Zuckerberg, the Meta CEO is vehemently denying reports that he was choked unconscious during a jujitsu match against an Uber engineer.

The New York Times reported on Friday that Zuckerberg has transformed his body thanks to a newfound intense workout regime, a fact which the Facebook founder undoubtedly hoped would be the main takeaway for readers. He was probably hoping readers would then hop over to the New York Times Cooking page for recipes involving mozzarella freshly grated on his shredded abs.

Instead, followers giddily embraced a detail in the piece about Zuckerberg losing consciousness during his first Brazilian jujitsu event, held recently in Woodside, California.

As the article explains, a referee stopped the bout when he heard Zuckerberg start to snore, which is a sign of someone having passed out in a choke hold.

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Soon after publication, however, Zuckerberg felt the need to clear the air on the accusation — air which he totally never stopped breathing even for a second, you guys!

Zuckerberg promptly emailed the New York Times reporter letting him know “that never happened.” Zuckerberg's coach, Dave Camarillo, also clarified to the reporter that what the referee thought were snores were actually “effortful grunts”. Nice save, Coach! Effortful grunts sounds way cooler.

If Zuckerberg was trying to come off as strong and intimidating to counter the lackluster enthusiasm for his metaverse and ensuing job cuts at Meta, he failed. Unless he and his jujitsu coach issue statements saying that he actually succeeded, then we should totally believe him. Until then, if Mark Zuckerberg really wants to save face, he should consider adding a new button to Facebook stronger than “like” or “love” to encapsulate all the positive energy that news of this story is going to create across the metaverse.