We can skip the preambles in this intro paragraph, correct? This right here is a Winners and Losers column, and we're dealing with the 32 games that were played on the first two days of the 2024 NCAA Tournament. Y'all know how this goes, right?

Cool! Let's get Mad!

Winner: Jack Gohlke 

It feels oh-so appropriate that when I type the name “Jack Gohkle” it autocorrects to “Jack Godlike,” because on Thursday night, the Golden Grizzlies 24-year-old senior who played five seasons of Division II ball before transferring to Oakland, etched his name into March Madness lore with a long-distance shooting performance for the ages when he hit 10 three-pointers against the Kentucky Wildcats and knocked the 3-seed blue blood out in the 1st round of the NCAA Tournament.

“He might have just made himself a March Madness cult hero,” Oakland forward Tuburu Naivalurua said after the game, according to Zac Jackson of The Athletic. “Especially because he looks like a high school history teacher. Everyone loves someone who looks relatable and can do crazy things.”

Sure, Naivalurua has a point. But by that logic, Reed Sheppard and Rob Dillingham are both 6'3″, the same height as Jack Godlike — see, it happened again — so theoretically, they should resonate the same way. The issue is, while Sheppard and Dillingham are bound for NBA success, the same can likely not be said for Oakland's budding star. At the very least, Gohlke won't be a lottery pick in the NBA Draft, as Sheppard and Dillingham will. But that's hardly an issue for Jack Gohlke.

“Obviously, we come in (and) we’re the underdog by all measures,” Gohlke said following his 32-point performance. “But as a player, you can’t think that way. You’ve got to go out there and think you have the same talent level as them. I know they have draft picks and I know I’m not going to the NBA, but I know on any given night I can compete with those guys and our team can. That’s why I say we’re not a Cinderella because when we play our A-game, we can be the best team on the floor.”

On one given night in March, Oakland was the best team on the floor against Kentucky. The question now becomes whether the Golden Grizzlies can continue their magical run against a North Carolina State team that has defied the odds since the beginning of the ACC Tournament.

Loser: John Calipari

Of course, on the losing side of things on Thursday night were the Kentucky Wildcats and head coach John Calipari. In the last five seasons, Kentucky has as many NCAA Tournament wins (1) as they do seasons in which they missed the tournament altogether. The last time Kentucky played into the 2nd weekend of the Big Dance, it was 2019. That is simply below the standard which is expected in Lexington, and below the standard that Calipari set for himself when he took over as Kentucky's head coach in 2009. But what is Kentucky to do? Calipari may still be a great recruiter, but in high pressure games, his Kentucky teams have continuously been unprepared for the moment. And no, the irony is not lost on me that it was I who picked Kentucky to make the National Championship Game this year in a column with a headline reading “Coach Cal is back in the Final Four.”

Imagine my embarrassment.

Loser: Drake

We're not just talking about the Drake Bulldogs, who let a very winnable game versus Washington State slip through their fingers on Thursday night. Remember, Drake (Drizzy) is a long-time Kentucky fan, and if anybody outside of Lexington was disappointed after Kentucky's loss to Oakland, it was Drake. The good news: this loss should inspire Drake to write some fire lyrics the next time he's all up in his feels. You know, something like this:

At the beginning we were mad in love and riding high,
On that 2012 Kentucky status,
But then I was Coach Cal and you were Jack Gohlke girl, 
You turned my madness to sadness 

Winner: DJ Burns Jr. and Eddie Lampkin Jr. 

I gotta give some big love to my fellow big-boned brothers DJ Burns Jr. and Eddie Lampkin Jr. for continuing their March Madness runs into at least the 2nd round of the tournament. I feel like a professional wrestling announcer when I tell you that the combined weight of Burns and Lampkin is 575 lbs. But here are the combined totals that impress me more: 37 points on 15-for-25 shooting and two opening round wins. And do I even need to tell you that we're a pair of NC State and Colorado 2nd round victories away from getting the opportunity to watch Burns and Lampkin battle each other in the Sweet Sixteen? It would be the most anticipated big man battle since Roy Hibbert and Greg Oden squared off in the Final Four in 2007… only with a heck of a lot more girth.

Loser: © Sonny Brackets and the Wisconsin Badgers

All year long I've believe that Wisconsin was fraudulent, and I even went as far as telling a family member in early February that I didn't care who Wisconsin played in the 1st Round of the NCAA Tournament, I was both betting and picking against Wisconsin in that game. Then the Badgers had to go and ruin everything, making a surprising run to the Big Ten Tournament Final. Did I bet against Wisconsin? No, I stayed away. Did I pick against Wisconsin? No, this idiot actually went with Wisconsin to beat a James Madison team in a 5 vs. 12 matchup that was screaming “Pick Me! Pick Me! I'm that 12 over 5 upset that y'all love so much!”

Winner: ACC, Big East and Pac-12

The ACC, Big East, and Pac-12 went a combined 11-0 in the round of 64, and before you ask, yes, I am disregarding the fact that Virginia was trounced in the First Four. Even still, that's not so bad for a supposedly down ACC, a wildly disrespected Big East, and a Pac-12 that will soon cease to exist.

Winner: Jermaine Couisnard

Not only did Jermaine Couisnard set an Oregon tournament record with a 40-point performance in the Ducks 1st round win, but he did so against the South Carolina Gamecocks, the program Couisnard spent the first four years of his collegiate career with. It's the second scoring explosion Couisnard has had in the last few weeks, after he went for 39 points against the Arizona Wildcats in early March. And hey, while we're here, let's start putting some respect on Dana Altman's name. No, the Ducks have not made the tournament every year since Altman took over in 2010, but in his eight tournament appearances with the Ducks, he's never lost a 1st round matchup.

Loser: Johnell Davis

I'm still not totally sure what happened to Johnell Davis at the end of regulation in FAU's overtime loss to Northwestern. After Brooks Barnhizer tied the game with 9 seconds to go, Davis nonchalantly brought the ball up the court, and walked into a deep three-point attempt that was blocked. It made absolutely no sense at all, especially from a player like Davis who, dating back to the 2023 NCAA Tournament, has proven to be so reliable in late-game situations so often. Maybe he was distracted by Barnhizer's wispy mustache — or, as the legend Bill Raftery called it, “a football mustache,” because there were only 11 hairs on each side.

Winner: Ryan Langborg 

Ryan Langborg's March heroics continued in 2024 after helping to lead Princeton to the Sweet Sixteen in 2023. This time around, Langborg, who has been Northwestern's 3rd wheel most of the season behind the aforementioned Brooks Barnhizer and All Big Ten 1st-teamer Boo Buie, was the one to help lead the Wildcats to an upset tournament win. Langborg was excellent against FAU, hitting one big shot after the next down the stretch, finishing with a career-high 27 points. Is it a coincidence three of Langborg's five highest scoring games have come in NCAA Tournament play? I don't think so, and because of that — and because of Northwestern's Killer B's — the UConn fan in me is officially a little uneasy about the prospect of having to play this unsuspecting three-headed monster in round two.

Loser: Kansas/Samford officiating crew

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but a slow-motion video…

… says only three words: Samford got screwed.

13-seed Samford trailed Kansas by 22 points early in the 2nd half, but managed to make a furious rally late in the game, cutting the Jayhawks lead to just a single point with less than a minute to go. Then, what should've been an all-time March Madness highlight was turned into what will potentially go down as one of the most poorly officiated plays of the 2024 NCAA Tournament.

Winner: Caitlin Clark 

The undisputed biggest star of March resides in the women's bracket, and if you weren't aware of that before the tournament started, then repeated viewings of this awesome State Farm commercial throughout the opening two days of the Big Dance should've clued you in.